yogi man

my new thing is to be totally open and ready for every encounter.  i think little messages and gifts are given to us everyday and when we are open to them we can recieve, if we are closed off, we miss them.  so the other day when i was walking fryman canyon (a beautiful 3 mile walk in the los angeles hills) wearing my baby a woman, i have only met a few times, stopped me and said, “i didn’t know you walked fryman.  are you interested in doing it with me on wednesdays?”  i said, “sure!”  later i was wondering why she was coming into my life right now.  a few walks later i realized it is because we are on the same path of understanding why we are here and what our life mission is.  when we walk, it is a great time for us to share and support each other.

last week after our wednesday walk, i had an appointment.  i arrived a little early to the appointment, so i got out my starbucks coffee and fruit and began eating.  just about that time i noticed a man walking down the street towards my car.  as he got closer i saw him looking at me.  i smiled and he was touching his third eye (yogi speak) and pointing at me, touching his third eye and pointing at me.  i thought, ‘wow, this is going to be interesting”- almost expecting him.  he came up to the passenger side window and started speaking.  i couldn’t hear him, so i unlocked the door and threw it open.  he started talking.  i glanced down and saw my purse, money, cell phone all just laying there, but i knew i needed to listen, so i focused back on his face.  he said, “you are so open.  you have and open heart and mind, but you need to focus.  stop telling everyone what you are going to do.  stop telling what you want to do.  you are so open and you are patient, but when you get mad it is too much.  you are too angry.  you must meditate.  he pulled out a little red bead and said hold this and meditate.  he handed it to me.  you must get quiet.  be still.  the project you are working on now is exactly what you should be doing.  stay focused on the project.  you are good enough.  don’t listen to the ones that tell you different.  you are ready and you are good enough.  april will be the month that the money comes.  you will have a very good year.  you are ready, but you must focus and you must meditate.  when others come against you, don’t listen.  move forward.  you are open.  meditate and stay focused.  you are blessed.  you will be blessed.  april you will see the money.”  i said, “thank you.  i heard you and i accept all of it.”  i grabbed the 3 dollars i saw laying there and held them up to him.  he said, “are you giving me this becuase you feel you must or are you giving it to me with love so that i may eat something or spend it in good health?  i said, “love.”  he took it and i threw the bead into the outside bottom zipper of my purse.     the yogi said, “no!  get it out of there and keep the bead in your wallet.  hold it every time you meditate.”

as he spoke the whole time i ate my fruit bowl and shook my head yes like i was watching a movie that was right on target.  nothing strange about it.

when i got out of the car,  i went into my meeting.  i told the gal what happened and she said, “do you meditatie?  do you know how?”  i said, “yes, kind of.”  she said, “i teach a meditation class on mondays.  it’s free.  you should come.”  i said, “of course you do and i will.”

nothing is a coincidence.  make a little room to be open to what is coming to you everyday.  when you pay attention, it’s pretty amazing.

365 Days sober

i recently said to my husband david, “i am so proud of who i am evolving into, i have worked so hard on myself to be the best i can be, i really like who i am becoming.  but, i have this dark secret.  i drink too much.”

dave leaned over and gently touched my knee and said, “it’s no secret honey, everyone is well aware how much you drink.”

we have all had nights where we poke eva mendez in the back to say hi to your husband because they used to be scene partners in an acting class after he said no thank you for me to reintroduce them, spill a whole bowl of red shrimp cocktail sauce on a funny comedic actress’s new white vintage purse, and end up crying in a booth with a gal from high school explaining why we were a mean girl, right?  or- drank 3 cosmos on an empty stomach before hosting your kids preschool live auction, once onstage with mic in hand and spot light glaring and the bidding in full gear with no cards popping up you shout, “are you f#*!@ing kidding me?  this is for the children!”, then drop into push ups wearing your blue sequence dress, right?   we’ve all been there, right!?

after 27 years of drinking, i have decided to take one year off.  i have decided to experience everything sober one time- for 365 days; every birthday, school celebration, girls night out, , trip to vegas, ski vacation lounging in sexy fire burning lodge, halloween, and even celebrating jesus’s- christmas eve.  the moment i decided this, at the end of 2011, i started crying.  i felt like had nothing to live for.  i know you may be thinking, ‘you have a loving husband and five beautiful kids’, but when you mark your calendar with celebration to celebration or one drinking event to the next and you quit, all of that is wiped away.  gone.  the markers of your life have evaporated.  for a moment that was my truth, i felt paralyzed.  who am i without alcohol?  what will my “fun” be?  will i still go out?  will i still have parties?  will my drinking friends abandon me?  what will my life look like?  a life that has spent a good portion of it’s time drinking?

alcoholism is a broad term for problems with alcohol.  i think there are 2 categories of alcoholics with different degrees of alcoholism in each category.  1. is a person with the alcoholic gene, like my mother.  2. is a person who drinks too much because they are filling a void in their life, like my father.  i am praying i am #2.  the thought of not drinking a glass of champagne again makes me sad and anxious.  my hope is that at the end of my 365 days, i will have faced all of the feelings that i used to drink through, which will allow me to have a new relationship with alcohol.  my hope is that i will be able to have one glass of wine, champagne, or beer in a social situation when i am feeling nervous, not 17.

at the end of last year after a hard night of drinking, i woke up and said to my husband, “i am done.  i am sick of feeling bad when i wake up.”

i found that one of the few times i beat myself up is after a night of drinking.  i am a wild ass sober.  drunk i am an obnoxious wild ass, but still funny in both, i would like to believe!

i have 5 kids, i exercise 5 times a week, i lead a happy life.  i don’t get drunk every time i drink.  i can stop for  awhile, i can have one glass of wine with dinner, most of the drinking times, i don’t “cross over”.  most people would say, “you don’t have a problem, we all have vices.”  i have actually said that to myself for quite sometime.  when people would ask me, “how do you do it with 5 kids?”  i would say happily, “exercise and alcohol.”

i am amazed at how life works.  i made this declaration of not drinking to myself, then out of the blue a few days later, two of the best girl drinking trips were offered to me.  one is a top of the line vegas trip.  wine and cheese in our suite, the best champagne at the best restaurant, and table service at the hottest night clubs.  then, may neighbor’s daughter, asked me if i wanted to go with her and her friends to their girls get away in aspen.  we would fly on her private jet, stay in her home at the bottom of the mountain, and her private chef would prepare our meals.  the aspen hostess lives in wine country and has the best bottles of wine i have ever tasted.  and get this, both trips are FREE!  that is where i really kick it.  no worries on how much i am spending on drinks, no worries getting up and taking care of kids in the morning, no worries about indulging!!!!!!  the timing- 27 years of drinking and out of the blue, when i stop, the two best drinking offers come.

today is january 14th.  this is my 13th day sober (on the jan. 1 i had a bloody mary because we were in an rv on our way home from new years eve in mammoth, so i decided it would start my 365 days on monday the 2nd) and my daughter eve’s 1st birthday party.  for every one of our other 4 kids we have had a baby’s first kegger party.  we would invite all of our friends and have a good old fashion hootenanny, while making sure to get the family picture and baby’s picture with cake on her face.  this year i will not be drinking.  i did put out all of the alcohol that we have left in our house to get rid of it- some vodka, beer and wine.  i will see the cake in the baby’s face without wearing my champagne  goggles.  i will watch super hot tom brady throw the ball without a beer in my hand.  and i will most likely go to sleep at a decent hour.  not sure how i feel about any of it, but i will let you know.

cheers to a new year and cheers to a new self challenge!  (i say toasting with a la croix bubbly berry water).

my smiling heart

my oldest son, charlie, is 12 years old. his life has been an amazing journey so far in those 12 years.

dave and i knew from the moment charlie was born that something was up. we weren’t sure what, but knew something seemed different about him. when charlie was 2 months old he was on dave’s chest snuggling in. dave was pointing to him saying “look, he is letting me hold him. really hold him. he is totally relaxed on my chest.” it was significant because charlie didn’t like to be held, especially for a long period of time- it seemed to make him uncomfortable. dave was so enjoying the moment that i took a picture. when i put my hand under his shirt and rubbed his back, i felt how hot he was. his tempature was 104 degrees. we took him to the hospital where the doctors said that he had meningitis, but he didn’t.

when charlie was 1 year old we took him out to eat. he sat in his seat for a moment, but after i moved the sugar packs away from him, he lost it; screaming, crying, inconsolable. we took our food to go. dave said, “well, i guess you can’t take a one year old out to eat.” two nights later we went out just dave and i and it seemed everyone in the restuarnt had a 1 year old sitting quietly smiling ear to ear.

when charlie was 2 he was on the floor crying so hard and banging his head on the ground, i thought he was having an aneurism. after about two hours, i called the doctors office and they told me to go in the back door- to their contamination room for privacy. his body was stiff and he was screaming as i rushed through the back door. as soon as i walked in he sat up calmly on my hip and said, “fishy” (they have an amazing fish tank there.) when the doctor entered to check on him she laughed like ‘look at this first time mom’ and said, “that is called a temper tantrum.” i knew it was more.

when charlie got into preschool he wasn’t so great with impulse control. he would grab a toy from his best friend, push or hit him and occasionally bite. the teachers all said this was normal behavior for a preschool child, but somehow i knew it was more. i noticed that his best friend’s mom started avoiding me at preschool. she wouldn’t return my calls. charlie asked everyday to play with this boy. when i could get his mom on the phone, she would make up some excuse why they couldn’t get together. i didn’t understand what was going on, but i was angry and heartbroken for my son.

when charlie got into a great elementary school i was tickled pink. i had always thought i would make most of my mom friends from my kid’s school. that didn’t happen. charlie didn’t really click with anyone. he was fine playing on his own, but did’t want to play sports. he was a bit uncoordinated and embarrassed that he wasn’t as good as the others. he would play make up games by himself, eventually a little boy who liked to act out star wars, would play star wars with him at recess. i was hoping to go to baseball games, soccer games, any games with the other moms and kids. when they had olympic day at school, charlie shot a couple of baskets that didn’t get close to the net, sat down, and said, “please take me home. i hate this”.

“why can’t you just be normal and shoot a fucking basketball? come on! get up! what the hell are you doing? please be normal for once! what is wrong with you?” that is what was going on in my head as other moms watched. instead i sat next to him silent. i just sat. i waited with him in silence. i was going to put my hand on his knee, but i knew he would hit if off. after a while he asked if we could get some water. we did. he was able to go back to class and finish the day. i was worried for him and proud at the same time that he got himself together because i could feel the heaviness on his mind and heart.

as things got heavier and emotions got bigger at home, i went for help from professionals.

after reading every book about what it could be; depression, add, adhd, ocd, oppositional defiance disorder, etc. the one thing that was checked on every check list was bipolar. the more i read about it the more it was clear to me this is what was going on in my little boys brain. and as a matter of fact, what had been going on my whole life with my untreated mentally ill mother. she is bipolar too! what a revelation. it is hard to make a game plan for anything without knowing what game you are playing. i finally had the pieces of the puzzle put together.

doctors don’t like to diagnose children with bipolar because the accepted diagnosis age is 20 or 40 years old.

i had to push for about a year to get the doctors on board. the minute charlie took the pill for bipolar to level out the potholes in his brain, his world changed. our world changed. for the first time in our life we could hold our little boy. i could rub his back when he laid down at night. i don’t ever remember tears that big falling out of my eyeballs before.

charlie asked me that night why i was crying and i said, “because i love you so much”.

i don’t know if there is anything worse, besides death, than watching your child struggle. you feel it almost more than you feel your own pain.

i got a phone call from my son this morning while at school. my heart raced when i saw it was from school. he told me he was chosen out of his whole class to recite one of president kennedy’s speeches at next weeks assembly! everyone had to get up and recite what they had memorized and the teachers would choose the winner. my son won!

this was the morning after he told me he was signing up to play basketball and the girl he thinks is pretty was smiling at him during math class.

i booked a sitter for next thursday night. i am going to get charlie a skinny black tie and gel his hair to look like the handsome jfk. i also gave charlie a great nonchalant tip to connect with the pretty girl. although he told me to stop talking about her and wouldn’t tell me her name, i know he is going to use my tip.

wow. that little boy that was heavy on my heart for 12 years is growing up.

he is wise, he is handsome, he is funny, but most importantly he is kind. i couldn’t be more proud and grateful.

i love who he has become.

clarity

i have been doing a lot of work on myself.  i have been working on understanding what triggers my “pain body”- the ball inside me that was put there from my childhood hurts and gets ignited by grown ups who don’t even know it exists.  i have been working on being a great mom.  i didn’t learn so much from mine because she struggled with mental illness locked behind a bedroom door.  i am learning on being a great wife.  not blaming him for all of the things i am not doing, but being a good listener.

i love doing the work.  i love striving to be the happiest, most fullfilled woman i can be while dancing in this earthsuit.

i have also been figuring out what my gifts are and how i can use them to help others.

if you read in my last blog, you know that i have add.  i have about 152 reality show ideas that are named and started, i have a ton of ideas for my husband (poor guy), my mind is spinning with creativity.  i have been working on quieting my mind.  i have been working on listening.  i am doing some praying and some meditating.  my friend roseanne barr tweeted, “prayer is asking. meditation is receiving.”  i have been doing both.

i recently asked god for clarity.  i told god i know i am good at sharing my life without caring one iota of what others may think.  i have had some huge bumps in my road, many bringing me to my knees and from those bumps i have stood up, brushed off, learned the lesson- some lessons took a while to get- and moved forward, i am kind of funny and i love to connect with people.  how can i use those 3 things to help other people?

i can see my absoluteLeigh brand- the shoes, the perfume, the jewelry (lots of leather and pearls), and built in tutu clothing line and flowers of course, the speaking engagements, the books, the tv appearances, but i am missing the middle part.  i am having a hard time getting from the swirling ideas of my brain to the end result.

i asked god for clarity.  i said, “god i have a lot of pretty great swirling ideas, but how do i move forward with swirls.  guide me.  make it completely clear what i am supposed to do.  i feel all over the place.”

about a year ago i met a woman once.  she was producing my friend’s online show and i was the guest that week.  the producer and i had a small interaction.  i was a bit nervous because she is well known.  i did my part on the show and left.  about 6 months later i emailed the producer and said, “can i do an online show with you?”  this was during my ‘act on whatever you think and move forward-  be fearless’ phase.  the producer responded, “i am no longer doing that, but i have some ideas about you.”  so exciting!  she has ideas about me?  we talked about meeting and never met.  part because we were so busy and part because i was fearful.  who am i?  why would she care about me?  what would i say?  the normal things that our brain / pain body does to hold us back.  months went by maybe a year.

i was in my state of being completely open to receiving clarity when i saw a tweet from the producer and tweeted her.  i said, “do you remember a while back when you said you had some ideas about me?”  she tweeted back, “yes yes i remember!”  we met tonight.  we sat for an 1 1/2 talking.  actually on my part a lot of listening.  a woman who barely knew me sat down and told me exactly what i needed to hear to get me moving in the right direction with complete clarity.  she answered the exact prayer i asked god for.  almost a stranger.  amazing.  truly right now feeling blown away how simple it is.  come to god with specifics of what you want, trust it will be answered and move forward welcoming whenever it may come…and it will come.

she said the exact words i needed to hear.  her words focused my “all over the place add mind” onto the exact avenue i must walk to get to what i know is there.

i am happy and tired.  i am going to finish my mom night side work prepping for the morn.  but before i lay me down to sleep, i will thank god for being who i thought he, she, or it is.  my steady friend and my steady companion.  

groundhog day

did you see the movie groundhog day where the people wake up fresh like the day before never happened?  i experience this to a certain degree everyday.  my short term memory isn’t what it should be.  i do things that we all do like walk into a room, stop, then wonder why i am there.  that feels normal.  i introduce people everytime they walk into my home to the others that are there.  then they usually say, “we have met 100 times.”  i don’t think it has been that many times, but i get what they are saying.

at back to school night the other night i said hello to my friend’s husand.  “hi bruno, it’s nice to see you.”  he smiled, said, “hello” and walked away.  later on i heard someone talking about the same guy calling him mark.  i piped in mentioning i thought his name was bruno and they laughed, “that is the name of the sports bar that he owns.”  oops.  i shook a woman’s hand and said, “nice to meet you.”  she said, “we’ve met.” oops.  i said hello to another couple and asked what grade their child was in and they said, “in your daughter’s class.”  oops.  

later the same night a darling petitie gal was smiling at me throughout our kindergarten teacher’s welcome speech.  she came up to me after and said, “let’s hang out sometime.”  i said, “sure, but i am waiting for you to answer the text about a play date for our daughters. we want to bring your daughter to our house to play.”  she looked puzzled then i said, “it’s no big deal, whenever is good for you.  what time do you get off work?” she said, “i don’t work.”  then i looked puzzled. i looked down at the name tag on her kids desk, she wasn’t the lady i thought she was. i thought she the woman that was a teacher at the school as well as a parent.  gosh darn it!  “i am so sorry, i thought you were that super cute teacher / mom.”  the gal was not happy.   her feelings were hurt.  she said, “you don’t remember me?  i have been to your house.”   now i was worried, i really didn’t remember her being at my house.  later i was reminded she came to pick up a necklace for a friend, she didn’t hang out or anything-that made me feel a little better.

on friday i walked up to my daughter’s soccer practice and sat down next to my new mom friend, amy.  on the other side of amy was an attractive mother i had seen on campus before.  i sat down and said hello to both women.  the attractive mother leaned forward and said, “my name is lisa.  it’s lisa.   i see you all of the time and you always ask me what my name is.  it’s lisa.  do you get it? ”  i felt mildly attacked and said, “yes, lisa, i get it.”  as i sat in what just happened, i thought about how i was feeling; attacked, a bit upset, defensive.  i took a breath and thought about how she was feeling, about how bad she must feel every time i don’t remember her name and  how that build up can be frustrating and make you feel pissed off.  she had a right to act the way she was acting towards me. all i can do is be responsible for how i react back.  so i said, “thank you lisa, i have some trouble with my short term memory.  i am so grateful you took the time to remind me of your name and i will not forget it again, lisa.”  and i won’t.  

i always thought i was absent minded kind of like a nutty professor.  i made up jokes and excuses for my missed appointments, forgotten names, and uncompleted assignments.  it wasn’t until i realized something was going on with my son, charlie, and had him tested, did i figure a little more about myself.  i took charlie to a psychatrist to try and put together the pieces of the puzzle of his various struggles.  the doctor gave me an add written questionaire to fill out for charlie.  i was filling it out and about a third of the way through i noticed every answer for me was yes; i was always in the principles office- check. i was the class clown-check.  i made average grades-check.  i got in fights in elementary school-check.  every answer i was yes!  charlie was 50% 50%.  i said excitedly to the doctor, “oh  my gosh!  i am yes to every question.”  the doctor got me back on task by saying, “we are here for your son.  if you would like to take the test for you, you must schedule a seperate appointment.”  i did.  i went back and filled out the forms, then chatted about what my life was like as a child and today.  the doctor told me that i was on the high end of the add spectrum.  that explains why my sister never wants to talk to me on the phone because i jump all over the place- she thinks i am not listening.  but if i don’t shout out what pops in my mind that i know she needs to know, it will be gone.  that is why i can not complete a project.  that is why my desk is a mess as well as my purse.  that is why names pop out of my head as easy as they come in.

oh it felt good!  it felt good to have a name / diagnosis for what was going on in my brian.  i wasn’t just lazy or scatter brained!  i shared this with my husband, so happy to start a game plan to make it better.  that is when my husband informed me he thought my absent mindedness was from a brain injury i had when i was 13 years old.

(i was at kanakuk kamp climping and repelling the mountains of boone coutny, arkansas, when i turned to throw a daddy long leg at my girlfriend behind me and fell off the cliff.  the cliff had a 20 foot drop then a 200 foot drop.  i landed on my head on the 20 foot drop and rested there until the couselors repelled down and belayed me up.  they put me on a gurney, ran back 3 miles to camp, then a 20 minute drive to the boone county hospital.  i woke up in the intensive care and couldn’t remember much of anything; my name, what year it was, or what happened.  within 24 hours my father was on a life flight helicopter to transport me to his hospital, st. joseph medical center in kansas city.  i was in intensive care a few days until i was stablized.)

this shocked me.  my husband had never mentioned anything about my forgetfullness or my organizational skills, but he had a theroy about it all along- he thought it was from the brain injury.  i was surprised and thought it was kind of sweet he never said anything to me about it after all of these years.  he loved me despite my flaws.

regardless why i do what i do, it is real.  i never forget a face, but names don’t stick.  i need to practice saying, “nice to see you” instead of “nice to meet you.”  i need to stop introducing everyone.  instead try, “hey everyone, look who it is.”  i need to start saying,  ”hi there” or “hey girl”  or “hi friend” to people i am not sure their name or am having a brain freeze.  

we are all built differently.  we are all quirky in one way or another.  something cool about getting older is getting to know yourself more.  i am working on being comfortable in who i am, quirks and all.  i have apologized for so many years about reintroducing and asking for one’s name.  not any more.  i am going to embrace it and apply the tricks to avoid the conflicts / hurt feelings.   if i slip and say, “what’s your name?”  please don’t take it personal.  know that you are important enough for me to ask.  as always, i am a work in progress and i wouldn’t have it any other way.    

have a great day…friend.  

don’t judge a book by it’s cover

i go up and down 10 pounds with my weight .  my feeling good weight is 125 and  i am currently 135.  although it is not huge, i don’t like how i feel at this weight.

i went with my family to a party a few weeks ago.  i was wearing my “fat skirt” .  it is the skirt i wear when i want to hide and can’t fit into my jeans, the cute ones anyway.  i looked frumpy and felt frumpy.  i mingled for a bit, then passed my baby to a friend so i could head to the food table.  i got a big pile of food.  lot’s of dips n chips, crackers n cheese and a hot dog with a white bun.  i looked around for a place to sit.  i saw one chair and started making my way towards it.  as i got close i noticed the woman sitting next to the chair.  she was beautiful.  she had piercing blue eyes, long brown hair, a skinny skinny earthsuit and the latest in trendy jewelry and clothing.  i thought ugh!  i feel like crap and sitting next to that perfect polished trended out woman seems like the last thing i want to do.  i sat down anyway.  as i got situated in the chair with my napkin and food on my lap i glanced at my feet.  i had just broken both of my big toe nails.  one from jumping off a boat and smashing it on the dock and the other from my tennis shoes i think.  i don’t know if you have done that before, but when you don’t have a big toe nail or part of it is gone, it looks like something is horribly wrong with the whole foot on top of it, i was wearing my flip flops that i sewed a flower on trying to be crafty.  

i took a bite of my hot dot and glanced at my stunning neighbors feet.  her feet were perfectly  manicured with darling shoes.

i get my groove on with fashion quite often, but i am rarely polished from head to toe.  this girl was not messing around.  i wondered how shallow our conversation would be if i had to talk to her.  would she talk about the last sale she went to and what great deal she got on her name brands i haven’t even heard of or will she judge my toes?

as i ate my hotdog and finished the chips, my friend brought my baby, eve, back to me.  i set down my plate and opened my arms.  eve and i sat and i chatted at her because she can’t talk yet.  i saw trendy glance over at me.  i kept chatting with eve.  then my other 2 daughters came over to touch base.  when they walked away trendy turned and said, “are those your daughters?”  “yes,” i replied.   “they are beautiful,” she said.  i knew she was speaking the truth because they are.  i am always a little shocked with all of the traits they could have pulled out of the gene bag, they each pulled the good ones.  “thanks,” i said while i was bouncing eve on my lap.  trendy started telling me she has all boys,  3 of them and how she always wanted a girl.  we kept talking.  she was so normal, interesting and engaging.  as we went on, she shared how 16 years ago she gave birth to a baby girl that died 7 days after birth.  she told me how her husband kept it from her that something was seriously wrong, he thought he was protecting her.  when her daughter died on the 7th day, she was in shock, devastated and numb.  it was the worst thing handled in the worst way.  it took her years to heal from that.  her marriage couldn’t survive the ordeal.  she lost her baby and her husband.

i was dumbfounded.  the story broke my heart.  i couldn’t even imagine the pain she went through- unbearable.  i had so much love and compassion for her at that moment.

i realized that we are all connected.  it does not matter what your earthsuit looks like, it matters what’s inside.  we all have and have had struggles.  we are all dealing with the same issues now or will be in the future.  i let my insecurity put the judgement goggles over my eyes.  i was unable to see her for who she was, my sister.  she was woman going through this life doing the best she can.  

it is so easy to let the ego drive our thoughts.  i am working on letting my open heart have more power than my ego.

she was beautiful on the outside and even more so once i saw her true self.  that was a lesson in the old adage, don’t judge a hot trendy lady by her cover.

lesson learned.

say yes!

i believe that things are brought to us out of the blue because we need to experience what ever it is.  like when someone told me i should attend a book wirting conference (without even knowing i wanted to write a book), i did and learned a couple of things that i will apply to the rest of my life: 1. shower everything you do in prayer.  2. start everything you do with how can i help others?

i say yes to almost everything- especially when it comes out of the blue.

i went out friday night for our 4th grade parent / teacher welcome back to school party.  i had a few glasses of wine and gabbed with the teachers and other parents.  i loved talking to margot’s new teachers.  i got to know them, what they are like, and got a glimpse of their hearts.  it’s good for me to know the teachers who are teaching my kids because i have a better meter on how to react to stroies my child comes home with throughout the year.  i can prep myself and my child when i know who the teacher is.

after the lovely parent / teacher party, a group of parents went to a local pub for more chat time and for me hopefully, a little dancing.  i love to dance.  (if i could have a do over, i would have taken hip hop and been a fly girl or a laker girl. after i retired, i would have been a judge on american idol (sounds like paula abul or jlo, but not exactly what i was thinking) and my kids would be on the front row kicking it.)

at the after party, i sat with mom’s i knew and a couple i didn’t know so well.  one of the mom’s and i got to gabbing and she told me she enjoyed my website-which tickled me pink because i never think many people are looking at it.  she did notice there isn’t much traffic to the site.  she mentioned that i start mommy blogging.  i have never done that before, but heard mommy bloggers are ruling the world- kind of.  she suggested that i do the red carpet this upcoming week for the final season kick off party for a super hot show.  i love doing red carpets with my husband and being in front of the camera, but haven’t thought about being behind the camera.  i do love to write and i do love to gab and i do love the red carpets.  then it clicked- this is one of those things brought to me out of the blue – of course i will do it!

now off to prepare for the night.  a bit of research, finding a cute dress and figuring out how to shoot it- flip cam with microphone?  i love new adventures and trying new things.  i may rock the house or i may be awkward and a bit unpolished, but i am going to give it my all.  stay tuned to see how it pans out.  

be open in your day today.  listen to things that people say to you, especially if they seem a little out of your comfort zone or something you have never thought about doing on your own.  figure out a way to try it, make it work, then go for it!  say, “yes!   i will try it,  i will do my best, and  i will push through whatever has held me back up until now!”  the good stuff comes when we are afraid and do it anyway.  i can’t wait to second guess what to say or how to say it, to possibly put my foot in my mouth, or to miss the perfect question.   what i know for sure is, i will embrace the experience,  listen to the lessons, and hopefully get a chance to let loose on the dance floor at the party.

clean out the file cabinet before it becomes too full

 I am a big believer that we are here to learn lessons.  Our souls are housed in earthsuits.  When we have learned and shared what we are here to do, our earthsuits go 6 feet under and our souls, our spirits soar back to where they came from.

I am completely open to hearing my life lessons.  I used to get very defensive when someone wanted to tell me what I was doing wrong, what bothered them about me, or how I could do something different.  Now when it happens, like the other day in my son’s therapist office, I take a deep breath and say to myself, “be present, listen without judgment to hear the lesson.”

My son Charlie is bipolar.  I have written about this before.  I am grateful for bipolar because it has opened my heart and mind in ways they wouldn’t have otherwise.  It has also helped me to understand my mother who was never diagnosed or treated, but tortured by it.  I get to help Charlie navigate his bipolar journey in my home (which will be the best dang journey a bipolar kid can have) while I heal from the sadness of not having my living mother.

Charlie and I have been butting heads lately.  I am always a little bit mad at him because he says no to everything I ask.  I went to his new therapist appointment with him.  As we sat on opposite sides of the couch, Charlie and I got into it about cleaning his bedroom.  The therapist listened then told me he hears the struggle, he hears the disappointment, but he doesn’t hear the love.

“Charlie needs to hear and feel the love from you.  He is missing that part right now.  Charlie feels like you are mad at him more than you love him.”  I told him that I tell Charlie I love him every night and that I am proud of him.  And he said, “He needs to feel it.  He doesn’t want to do anything you ask because you are disconnected from him.  He needs you.  He needs your love, just as he is, messy room and all.  Once the love  foundation is back, he can do more of what you want from him.

Although it felt embarrassing and I felt like a bad mom, I pushed my ego aside and heard the message.  The therapist was right.  I have gotten so used to Charlie’s resistance that I have disconnected.  I have let him play video games longer than normal instead of spending time with him.  Just because I am in the house with him, is not enough.  He needs me- my ears, arms and heart.  By the end of the session, Charlie was sitting close to me and I had my arm around him.  I told Charlie I hear what is being said and I am so excited about working on connecting and being a better mother.  I always thought since (unlike my mom) I was out of bed, making breakfast, and getting him to school on time, I was doing so much better than she did.  But, I want to be better than just being better.

I have been married to my husband for 13 years.  I love him dearly and know we will be together until our earthsuits shrivel.  In the same breath, I would never stay married if he or I stopped trying.   I want to live life to the fullest, my marriage to be as good as a marriage can, and to be the best partner I can be.  I want to hold Dave’s heart in the palm of my hand and he mine.  But, I am not.  It is hard as all get out.  I can totally see why people get divorced.  So many little things drive us crazy.  We don’t talk about all of them.  Instead we file them in a file folder in our brain.  The more stuff that happens, the more papers get stuffed in the folder, until the folder is so full, it breaks.  When you go to pick up the papers and tape the folder back together, there is too much- it is too overwhelming.  I think when couples get to the breaking point, when their folder rips, one of them usually feels like it is too broken to go through or too big a job to pick up all of the papers.

Recently when David and I were having big stress (job, money, kids, schools, etc.) and not connecting, I had had enough.  I asked him if he would go with me to see someone.  Our relationship wasn’t at the breaking point, but I do not want to be stagnant and disconnected.  Dave agreed to go.

Julie is the therapist / mindfulness coach- I liked that word-mindfulness- that is what I want to be in our marriage, mindful.  As Dave and I sat down and started letting the folder open and the papers fall out, Julie listened.  She told us she was going to stop us while we are talking and help us break the old patterns we had set with each other.  I started by talking about how every time I bring a new entertainment business idea for myself to Dave, I feel like he doesn’t care, he dismisses it; he acts like it doesn’t matter.  Julie stops me and asks, “When have you felt like you don’t matter before in your life.”  That was easy- my whole life.  My mother is mentally ill and spent my childhood locked behind her bedroom door.  I was alone growing up and I did everything by myself.  I felt like I didn’t matter-like I didn’t need anyone.  Julie pointed out how I am coming to Dave with this feeling and no matter how Dave reacts, I make it reinforce my old feeling- that I don’t matter.

I thought on that and it made sense.  I do overthink ideas before I tell him.  I get worried and try and phrase it perfectly so Dave will respond in a way that makes me feel validated.  But he can’t.  Once again it was tough to hear, but it made perfect sense.  I learned the lesson that he is my partner.  I am no longer alone; I don’t have to do life by myself.

After the session I realized I do this with friends.  I have them, I hang out with them, we have fun, but there is some disconnect.  The feeling of I don’t need anyone, I am on my own has affected my children, husband and friends.

This kind of work is hard, but more than anything in life, it is work with huge benefits.

Today I went to my exercise class.  The teacher normally doesn’t touch anyone and is very hardcore.  At the end of class I was standing in a relaxed yoga stance with my eyes closed thinking about what I have been working on, when the teacher walked up behind me and massaged my shoulders- really slow and intentional.  I kept my eyes closed and accepted the energy I was feeling.  I felt, “You are on the right track.  You are doing a good job.  Hang in there and keep doing the work.  Everything is ok.”  It was just what I needed.  I came home refreshed- ready to connect, listen, and learn…ugh, a lot more of the learning part I am sure.

I think therapy is a must do tune up for all relationships.  It just keeps you uncluttered and moving in a healthy direction, so the folder doesn’t get too full and break.

what’s up with your uterus?

i wrote this piece a while back and just came across it on my hard drive.  i hope you enjoy.  Seriously though, what’s up?

A uterus, a womb, a cocoon, an incubator, a den, a shelter, a bed, a nest, a gestational retreat, a baby house.  We don’t gab about uteruses very often, but i think we should.

Stories from people i know:

I was at this party the other day.  I was standing next to my girlfriend.  As we spoke, another gal, Karen walked towards us.  My friend leaned into me and said, “Don’t say anything, but she just had her third miscarriage.”  Don’t say anything? That is all we should be talking about!  The gal walked up to me and I gave her a hug and smiled.  All I wanted to say was, “I am so sorry!  I know you are heart broken”.  I wanted to embrace her and ask if she felt okay?  I wanted to ask if she found out why it was happening?  I wanted to ask if she had anyone to talk to?

“So, how is your workout going?”  As she spoke I smiled and tried to listen when i really just wanted to tell her how much I cared about her.  How sorry I was.  I couldn’t even hear what she was saying.  I was just wondering why we weren’t talking about what is really going on with her?  Karen and I aren’t even that close.  But at that moment, all I wanted to do was hug her.

Steve and Ann have been married for ten years-together twelve.  They began dating in college.  Steve got Ann pregnant their junior year.  She had an abortion.   Recently Ann said, “Steve, do you know that baby would be 10 years old?  We would have a 10-year-old, a 3-year-old and a one-year-old.  Could you imagine what that would be like having three kids?”  Steve responded, “Why do you do that shit?  I told you I don’t’ like it when you talk about that”!  ”Oh I’m sorry.”

I went to a baby shower.  I sat next to a gal I had met a few times.  I leaned over and asked, “How are you doing”?”I feel okay right now.  My husband of six years left me.  He was dying to have a baby.  I had five miscarriages.  He cheated on me, got a lady pregnant, and married her.  I know.  Unbelievable, huh?  Their baby is due in a few months”.

“Why can’t I meet a guy I want to marry?  I actually want kids more than the husband, but I don’t want to do it alone.  I am 34 years old.  Buy the time I meet someone, fall in love, get engaged, and get married, I will be at least 37 and that is if the whole process started right now.  I want a baby!”

“I went to the doctor when I was six months pregnant to get an ultrasound.  My husband and I decided to find out the sex of our baby.  It was a boy.  After they sat us down in the doctor’s office and closed the door…the doctor informed us that our baby’s brain hadn’t developed and we should abort the pregnancy.  Have an abortion?  I can feel him move.  I am big.  He is growing.  I can’t abort him now?  The doctor informed me he would never eat on his own, he would never go to the bathroom by himself, and he would never know who I was.  I aborted the baby.  They never found out if the condition was genetic or not.  It took me a good year and a half to get back on my feet.  I have two kids now, but I didn’t have a day of joy with either pregnancy.  All I could think of was what if they came and took my baby again?”

I have a story too.

I met my husband, David on an airplane.  He was tall, bald, dressed in a black leather jacket, Levis, and black boots.  I found him so sexy. Best of all, he was funny as all get out.  When he smiled, his mouth pulled down in the corner.  So I said, “Have you had a stroke?  I just want you to know I think that whole mouth pull down thing is sexy, it is nothing to be self conscious about”.  David responded, “No Leigh, I haven’t had a stroke”.  During the flight we were talking back and forth non-stop.  It was happening so easy. I didn’t have that nervous feeling I normally get when I am trying to be cute with a man on an airplane.  This was different.  I knew on the flight that this was my husband.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was almost 31 and had not had a serious long-term relationship.  I had had lots of dates and lots of make outs, but I was never interested in going to the next level.

By the time I met David, I was ready to rock and roll.  Get married and get our family started!  I wanted 4 kids.  It used to be I wanted 6 kids when I was in my twenties. When I turned 30 the numbers started to drop.  I didn’t tell my future husband all of this right off the bat.  I was trying oh so hard to let it all happen organically.  When he proposed to me 9 months later, I said, “Yes”!  But I was thinking, what in the heck took you long?  9 months after that, we were married.  Dave was 36, I was 32.

I told Dave on our honeymoon, “I think I should go off the pill and we should see what happens”.  One reason was because it took my sister Amy 5 years to get pregnant; 5 years of fertility drugs, surgeries, and a failed adoption.  When she finally adopted beautiful twin girls, she was pregnant a year later.  With all of that heartache and financial stress, I thought I should get on the baby ball. “You know how long it took my sister.  I’m not even sure if I even could get pregnant because I have been on the pill so long”.  I had been on it the first since the first time I had sex.  (At 18 if you must know.)  Dave agreed.  Two months later, we were pregnant.

When I was 35 weeks pregnant on May 18, 1999 at about 1:30 in the morning I felt a whoosh.  I ran to the bathroom thinking my water broke.  When Dave came in and turned on the bathroom light, it was blood.  It was pouring out of me like a pitcher of water.  There was blood everywhere.  He picked me up, carried me to the car, and drove like mad to Cedar’s Sinai Hospital.  Driving over Coldwater Canyon, I saw an Ad Doo truck sitting on the side of the windy road.  This gave me a little chuckle because Ad Doo was my most hated commercial.  ‘Who can clean your hair clogs from the tub?  Ad doo.  Who can make your kitchen sink drain like new?  Ad doo.  Who can make your bathroom sink whistle from clearing so fast?  Ad doo.’

We got to the triage center and the resident looked inside me and when he removed the specula, blood came shooting out.  He left the room and when he came back he told me not to be alarmed, but they were going to be rushing around me to prepare me for an emergency c -section.  I was not nervous at this point because I grew up in a hospital.   My father was a doctor.  I made rounds with him on the weekends in the emergency room and watched him perform surgeries.  I had great comfort that I couldn’t be in a better place.  I was at one of the best hospitals in the nation.

My doctor came racing into the operating room.  I said, “Good morning doctor”.  She immediately was barking out orders.  They were scrubbing my belly.  “Hey, wait a second!  Where is my husband”?  Dave ran in.  Within 5 minutes they had my baby out.  “You have a baby… boy”.  “I have a baby boy”? “We have a baby boy”!  I was so excited.  I couldn’t believe it.  In Lamaze they told me the baby could come right up on your stomach after a c-section and even breast feed.  But they took my son out of there so fast.   “Doctor, is he okay”?  “Yes, he is Leigh.  He is completely healthy”.  When my husband went to follow our boy to make sure he didn’t get swapped with another, the doctor told him he needed to stay with me.  That is when I knew there was a pretty big problem.

The doctor explained that my uterus had ripped and they were trying to repair it.  I had entered DIC which is basically when your blood stops clotting.  My blood was leaving faster than they could transfuse it back in. They were trying different clotting agents on me and all of them made me sick.  David was holding a vomit tray while I threw up.  I had IV’s in my arms, wrists, hands and feet.  My arms began flopping from the trauma.  They were then strapped down to arm supports.  I had 2 doctors, 8 nurses, 2 anesthesiologists, and one pathologist in the room.  (I thought pathologist dealt with dead people.)  After 2 hours I asked if my life was in danger.  The doctor said, “Honey, we are doing everything we can”.  At one point I told David, ” Tell the doctors I am floating away.  I can’t keep my eyes open”.  They told Dave that was to be expected because I was losing so much blood.  I flat lined.  I started yelling, “Am I here?  Can anyone hear me?  Am I still alive”?  I wasn’t floating over my body, but maybe that part wasn’t true after all.  The nurses said, “You are very much alive Leigh, we definitely can hear you. Your heart monitor just fell off”.   Everyone started laughing.  We laughed, we cried, we prayed.  Laugh Cry Pray.  Adee doo.

At the beginning of the third hour the doctor told me they had to remove my uterus.  “What about my other children?  I still had 3 more babies to have.  If you remove my uterus, I can’t have any more children”.  At the end of the third hour, I just wanted to be okay.  I just wanted to live.  I just wanted it to be over.  They removed my uterus, sewed me up and transferred me to intensive care.

When everything slowed down- when I could think straight, the doctors told me I was lucky to be alive.  There is a 50% mortality rate with my condition.  If I would have been at a smaller hospital without such a large supply of my rare blood type, I would have died.  If I would have waited 30 minutes longer, I would have died.  If I would have home birthed, I would have died.

Lying in that bed I felt so torn.  I was so blessed to have my healthy baby boy, Charlie.  At the same time, my heart was breaking.  It broke for months.  My precious lady gift was taken from me.  The one thing that truly made me a woman was gone.

The next few months I didn’t really talk about it with anyone besides my husband.  I tried talking to a therapist about my heartache.  She told me I should be happy I had one.  She had one.  But in my heart, I knew I was supposed to have more.  I think a woman knows when she is truly done or if she even wants kids to begin with.

When I would see people at parties, I wanted to say…

“Hi, I lost my uterus.  Hi, a near death experience is wonderful bonding tool for a marriage.  Hi I can’t have anymore children.  Hi, did you hear I almost died?  Hi, do you know how heartbroken I am?  Hi, I don’t have a womb, uterus, baby house.”

“Oh, my work out?  It’s going great, thanks.  I am alternating between Dove’s Bodies at Tae Bo”.

If we would talk, we would heal.  If we could feel safe to share what is truly on our hearts, on our minds, we would find comfort.  All women have a womb or in my case did at one time.

A uterus, a womb, a cocoon, an incubator, a den, a shelter, a bed, a nest, a gestational retreat, a baby house.

We all have a story.

October 22^{nd 2001}, with the giving baby house of a gestational surrogate, my beautiful daughter, Margot Grace was born.

Thank god for that story.  Thank God for that woman.  Thank God for that woman’s womb.

If we keep sharing we will heal.

If we keep sharing, I may just have those 4 children after all.

shrek forever after

if you are married and have been for a while.  i suggest you watch ‘shrek forever after’.

in the movie right before shrek has a freak out, he is doing the same thing he does everyday.  his wife is bossing him.  his kids need need need.  he can’t have a moment to himself.  then he implodes and opts to leave this life for a day.  it changes everything.  no wife.  no kids.  he is alone.  just before he fights his way back to what was, he says, “i didn’t know what i had until it was gone”.

my husband, david, is out of town.  i had just put baby eve to bed and cuddled with sargent and audrey my five year old twins on the couch to watch the tivo’d show ’shrek forever after’.  when the ending came i cried and held them close.  i was sitting still with my two little pigs.  how often does that happen?  how often do i sit still with them?

i have 5 kids.  i have a husband who travels some for work and performs some at night.  i am focused on becoming all that i was created to be.  part of that is a mother, part is a wife, part is a friend, part is a sister, part is a daughter and part is figuring out how to use the gifts that god has blessed me with to help others.

this all takes up precious time.  i am really trying hard to give each of my children attention so that they feel heard, important, and loved.  everything moves so fast.  my heart, my mind, the daylight, snap shots.  i just got up to start the dishwasher and came back to my computer that had shut down to the screen saver which is programmed with random photos popping up from iphoto.  i saw me a few years ago walking out with a phone to my ear.  i saw audrey sitting for breakfast at 2 years old with a candle in her strawberry.  i saw dave bottle feeding the twins with mutton chops from a show he was doing at the time.  i saw charlie starring at the camera with a soulful look i haven’t seen before in another 9 year old.  i saw margot spinning in a blue tutu that matched her beautiful eyes when she was three.  i realized my life was flashing on a screen before my eyes.

after the shrek movie was over, i pulled my twins close.  i told them i loved them.  i told them i knew i haven’t spent enough time with them and i will work on that.  sargent asked me if i would carry him straight to bed without a bathroom stop or pull up and i said, “yes.”  i carried him and said, “wow, you are growing so big and strong.  i wonder how many more years i will be able to carry you like this.  and he smiled and did a slow blink like he does when he is feeling special.  i said, “i don’t know how much longer, but i am happy i am doing it right now”.

i went back to carry audrey to bed.  as i carred her i told her how lucky i am that i get to be her mother.  she smiled and said, “thank you mommy.”

audrey asked if i would read to her.  i got my old lady readers and climbed up the ladder.  i started to read as she snuggled with a smile.  after a few pages she said, “excuse me mom, i can’t keep my eyes open for the rest of it.”  i closed the book.  she rolled over and said, “would you scratch my back?”  i said, “sure baby” and after 4 swirls between her shoulder blades, she was asleep.  i crawled back down the ladder to read to sargent and he was asleep as well.

i had clarity tonight that this is it.  this is as good as life gets.  i am married to a man i love even though in the hubbub we get side tracked.  i have kids that are beautiful, sensitive, struggle, strong, and perfectly imperfect.  just as am i and their daddy.

we are as rich as we can be.

today.  this moment.  this is what we have.  it makes my heart smile.  i see what i need to work on.  i see the good i have done.

i am excited for dave to come home tomorrow.  so i can hug him and tell him how glad i am he is with me.  through the everyday, all needing, hard working, never ending, life we have created.  it is perfectly imperfect.  it is pure.

i wouldn’t change a thing.

well…maybe a couple of things.

may you and i have a happily forever after.