At the end of the year, a couple of years ago, I said to my husband, David, “I am proud of who I am becoming, who I am evolving into. I feel like the hard work is really starting to paying off…but I have this dark secret.”
He took in a slow breath, well aware that I am a wild ass, and he is never quite sure what might come out of my mouth and said, “what’s the secret?”
“I drink too much.” i said.
Dave paused again, then replied, “Honey, that’s not a secret, everyone is well aware.”
I have 2 sides of me. I feel like I am split down the middle. My right side- my flawed side, wants to drink too much and do high kicks followed by the splits, it contains my fear. My left side- my fabulous side, is my connected to the god within me side and is my greatest self.
As I have been connecting more often to the fabulous side of my body; my pure, beautiful, wise, and strong god within side, I am tapping into it easier and clearer then ever before. When people ask me a question, ask me for advice, or even when I share in a casual conversation, something very powerful and impactful comes out, and is usually exactly what the other person needed to hear. But, when the flawed side of me hears what just came out of the fabulous side, it thinks, “What on earth? Where the heck did that come from? I’ve got to write that down before I forget. That was some profound shit!”. But, instead of grabbing a pen, I grab a drink, do a high kick to the Sinatra band in the Beverly Hills Polo Lounge, ending in splits on the couch, while at a first time fundraiser gala committee meeting with some high society ladies. Sigh.
Drinking too much isn’t horrible. It is not ruining my life. I am still getting to my exercise class, taking care of my family and being creative. But, it is a struggle and a fear number.
I am compassionate. I am kind. I am empathetic. I am super ballsy. I like to try everything. I feel happy when I am uncomfortable because I know something fantastic may happen. I like to shake things up. I like to drink (as we’ve established). I like to dance, with or without my husband. I like to dress however I feel. On facebook I post inspirational posts. On twitter I put racy things and quick reaction comments. Sometimes, I am calling people out on their closed minds or some other interesting bullshit. I feel torn.
When I look at the people I admire in the inspirational world; Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey, Maryanne Williamson, or Eckhart Tolle, none of them drink too much in public and bum rush the stage, while grabbing the microphone from the lead singer, when they are Slashes guest at a school fundraiser, and they think it’s makes perfect sense to sing the finale song with Slash, when they don’t even know the words to knock knock knockin’ on heavens door with his band, after they rehearsed together all day, and it’s finally the drummer’s turn to have his solo. Everything we see in the inspirational gurus life is polished, perfect and wise. Is that who I have to become if I want to share my inspiration? Do I have to tweak my wild side to be effective or understood?
Or…does that way of presenting oneself lead to situations like; when the top marriage therapist gets a divorce, we all applauded and crack jokes. Or when the famous life coach has a nervous break down, we roll our eyes and discount the great things they have done. I think this happens because we haven’t seen their vulnerable side. We relate to their teaching and wisdom, but not to them as a person. It’s almost as if when they fail, we feel relieved. They aren’t perfect after all.
I lead an inspirational group called “femspire” (said in a whisper voice) never to be spoken aloud (because the name is so silly, I can’t bring myself to say it louder than “femspire”(said in a whisper voice)). At a meeting not too long ago, I was sharing something heavy on my heart and tears were flowing. My neighbor who was there for the first time, waited to talk to me privately after the group was over. She said, “I had no idea you struggled. I mean, you always look perfect, you have beautiful kids, a nice house and your husband is in the movies. I had no idea life was hard for you too.” I felt like at that moment of being vulnerable together, was when we really connected.
I have been figuring myself out and figuring out why I am on this planet, at this time, in this earthsuit for quite some time. I believe that we come from the universe, our souls get housed in these earthsuits, we learn our lessons, and if we are lucky enough, we go back just as we came, with no hair, no teeth, and in diapers. We go back home.
I read a book called, The Path: Finding Your Life’s Mission. The book talks about how businesses and corporations always have a mission statement. Everything they do is supposed to fall under what that mission statement represents. It says we write mission statements for companies, but we aren’t writing them for our lives. The book talks about how we are standing in line, doing what we are told, and most of us have no idea why we are even here. Part of the book is a workbook that helps you pinpoint your joys and combines that with what you are good at. By the end of the book, I had my life’s mission: to share my struggles and what I have learned from them in a humorous way, to help other people know they are not alone, and let them know about the joy that is possible on the other side of the heartache.
I think a key of happiness is to: fyg & gyg. find your gift & give your gift.
Maya angelou says: “When you learn, teach, when you get, give.”
I have learned a lot and am ready to teach. I’ve learned about things like: being grateful for my neglecting mentally ill mother, because she made realize that at the end of the day, all my kids need is me. I’ve learned about the heartache of infertility, but I’ve also through surrogacy, learned about the miracle of modern medicine. I’ve learned that being a mother isn’t always what I thought it would be, by having a son that struggles so much, that I had to send him away to get him the help he needed. But I’ve also learned, that I have a lot of work to do too, I am doing the work right along with him, and our entire family will be better off because of it.
We all have fears that hold us back. We come here magnificent, bright, and beautiful. And over time we cover our God self with layers that we have picked up along the way: We are not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not rich enough, not smart enough. We drink too much and we eat too much. Who do I think I am? I am not good enough to have ____________. Soon we don’t see who we are, know why we are here, or even know what brings us joy. Our veil of fear is keeping us, from not only seeing the beauty all around us, but from seeing our pure beauty within.
One of my favorite fears is perfectionism. “She can’t do it because she’s a perfectionist, she has to be perfect.” I think that is the sexiest fear. I am always a little in awe of perfectionists. “Wow, they must be so good at whatever it is, they can’t even do it, they can’t even start. How cool! I wish I was that good at it. ” But in reality, it is just another fear. We all have them.
Marianne Williamson said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I am brilliant. So are all of you reading this. I see and salute the pure beautiful God within you. And to the fear that holds you back, your flaws, I say look at them, bring awareness to them, but don’t fight them or judge them. They are part of your story. No one else on the entire planet experiences or has the exact same perspective as you. You are unique, just as you are, flaws and all.
You are also exactly where you are supposed to be, experiencing exactly what you need to be experiencing. You already have everything you need. Don’t wait any longer for someone to pick you, pick yourself. Push start right now on the life you are waiting to live.
As I move forward into the reason why I am on this planet, to share my gift and use it to help others, I will do so allowing the flawed wild human side to coexist with the fabulous connected to God side. I will not wait to get it all right. I will not wait to be perfect.
And before I log off, could I ask a favor of you? If you see me out at a bar, hold your drink up high and let’s cheers to this wonderful life we get to live.
Then, if you wouldn’t mind, would you please remind me to switch to water?