take one foot out of the quicksand

  i walked into my exercise class the other day and caught eyes with a fellow exerciser.  as i passed her i said, “how are you, hailey?”   she had a sad look on her face when she replied, “not great.”  i was late for class and still needed to use the restroom, so i squeezed her shoulder and said, “sorry to hear that,” and ran out the other door.

i had a great work out and was gathering my purse, sweatshirt, water bottle and towel, when i saw hailey out of the corner of my eye.  i had an overwhelming sense that i needed to talk to her, hug her, and check in.  as i started towards her, 1000 things went through my mind, a few being; i am behind on my emails, i need to write, i have to book that gym class for my daughter, my son charlie wants me to change his plane ticket home for this thursday instead of next week, i am having lunch with a girl to talk about her surrogacy journey and how she is a nervous wreck about- that will eat all of my time before my kids get home from school.  i needed to get home asap to check some things off my ever growing to do list.

hailey had her back to me and didn’t notice that i was  walking towards her, so i b-lined to the exit.  “i probably just saved myself 20 minutes”, i thought as i walked outside.  while reaching into my purse to check my phone (i had to see what crazy super exciting things had happened in the last 60 minutes since class started) and pulling it out, i heard, “hey leigh, where did you park?”  i turned around and it was hailey (of course it was).  i almost felt like i owed her an apology because the sense i had of needing to connect with her was so strong and i b-lined out anyway.  i parked this way,” i responded.  “so did i,” she said (of course she did) and we were off.

i looked down and her sweet face and i could tell she was having a hard time.  “what’s going on?”  her chin started to quiver, “i am still out of work and i can’t find a job, my parents are really struggling and i’m not sure what is going to happen with their marriage, and my boyfriend has his own stuff going on and isn’t there for me right now.  i feel so sad and depressed.  i can’t shake it.”  we stopped walking and i hugged her.

i asked her if she would do something for me (but really for her).  i said, “tomorrow set your alarm 2 minutes earlier than normal.  before your feet hit the ground take 3 long breaths in and out, then say thank you.  say thank you for your parents and their love.  say thank you for all of the years they were together and were there for you.  then say thank you for exactly what is happening with them right now.  this is what should be happening.  ask that wherever this phase takes them, it leads them to happiness, whatever that may look like.  and be grateful.

hailey is a dancer.  she can move her body in ways i can’t (that’s saying a lot because i can still do the splits and a pretty mean high kick).  she had a regular gig as a dancer on a show that got canceled.  i said, “look at your body.  you are strong, you can walk, you can dance, you are flexible and you are healthy.  say thank you for that.  say thank you for the job that ended and thank you for the job that is coming.  and most important, say thank you for this lull in your work, so you no longer take work for granted, but you see the gift of the jobs you’ve had.

having breaks in our life, just like this, are perfect for us.  they help us remember what is important.  they help us remember to reach out and ask for help.  and they help us remember to be grateful.  work will come again and you will look at it like you never have before because you have had this break.

“regarding your boyfriend, be there for him.  give of yourself to him.  when you love and support him, you will be feeding love and support to yourself.

as she explained to me about feeling so sad and overwhelmed, i shared that she is standing in quicksand up to her calves.  “it’s okay to be sad.  it’s okay to feel down, just don’t stay there too long or you will keep sinking.  take one foot out of the quicksand and put it on solid ground (you can start this by saying thank you).  don’t run away from the quicksand or you will go further in.  look at it.  touch it with your hand.  pick some of it up and hold it.  how does it feel?  what about it bothers you?  what does it trigger inside of you?

start there.  whatever your problem or stress is, pull one foot out.  hold the stress in your hand, look at it, touch it, and shape it.  being aware of it, while looking at yourself in it, are the keys to moving out of it.  it is only showing up in your life, at this moment, to teach you.

the thing that is bothering you is about you, not the other person or situation. it is a gift to show you that you have some work to do.  don’t walk around it.  don’t try and run.  be in it and gently pull one foot out.

things happen to us in life, good and bad.  they are both equal to why we are here.  the good is the break from learning and the reward from learning.

the part i like about the bad is if you learn from it, it becomes the meat of who we are.  our core self gets stronger when we learn from the struggle and don’t just become a victim or run.  our struggles are, in the end, our greatest gifts.

if you learn the lesson that is before you, that struggle will go.  if you don’t, it will come back again and again and again.

the struggle is the teacher.  you are the student.  whether you learn from it or not is your call.   if you don’t, you will repeat that class or grade over and over and over.  if you learn from the struggle or the teacher, they will leave.  their job is done and you will move forward.  marriage is a great example of this.  if it gets too hard or feels too big, some people divorce.  but the same issues will come up in the next relationship.  then you either divorce again or you figure out what is it that is triggering you from the relationship and work on understanding that part of you and healing.  it’s not a bad thing.  don’t judge your struggles.  embrace them.

our souls are housed in earthsuits on this giant world classroom / playground.  we will not be here long- 2 days? 8 years? 33 years? maybe 100, if we are lucky.

own your life.  learn your lessons.  i am getting close to the point of saying, “thank you” when i feel broken because i know there is good coming just around the corner.  i am beginning to celebrate the struggle.

motherLeigh

mother

1. dictionary definition:  noun a female parent.

2. one woman’s definition:  We make sacrifices, we love our kids. We do our best to raise our children to grown into good, moral adults.  We cook, clean, work, run a household, help with homework. Kiss a boo-boo. Read bedtime stories, take them to the dentist, doctor and library.  We stay up late when they are sick. We wake up in the middle of the night to calm them after a bad dream.  We strive to give them every opportunity that we did not have.

3. my definition of mother is continually evolving.

-events happen in our lives that redefine and reshape who we are as people and who we are as mothers.

my son charlie has some struggles.  his brain is layered with what i think is bipolar or possibly aspergers, add, ocd, and learning differences to name a few.  he has an extra blanket of heaviness that most mothers and children won’t ever know.  a math problem, reading a persons face to see if they are joking or serious, or trying to coordinate his body in a way to throw the football, can take charlie’s brain 10 steps when ours takes 1.  he has to sort out every move he makes through a criss-crossed filter.

you wouldn’t know he had these struggles just by looking at him.  he is a tall, handsome, kindhearted boy.  charlie would keep it together at school, for the tutor, and for the doctors.  but what he was tightly holding together all day, would explode when he got home over almost nothing.  i felt like we were walking on egg shells.  he was like a bubbling volcano that would fiercely erupt over the smallest thing .   as charlie got bigger, so did the explosions.  i could no longer restrain him when needed and it was scary for the other kids.  he always calmed down quickly and apologized, but the damage was done.  going to a therapist once a week didn’t touch that part of charlie.

the day charlie left:

it’s hard to describe how i felt when charlie left for boarding school.  one way to put it is; my heart, my bones, my entire being, were brokenly devastated.  i felt like i couldn’t breathe.

i had worked so hard for so long as if carrying charlie around on a heavy tray.  constantly knocking on doors to keep him happy, to keep him afloat, to get him in the right school, and to find the best of the best in everything; occupational therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, eye-exercise doctor (whatever that guy was called), neurologist, speech therapist, school,  tutors, friends, church, sports, hobbies, music…anything to help him figure his life out.

it felt like someone had died the day he left.  maybe someone did die.  maybe i was in mourning.  maybe the specific hope i had for my son for 13 years died.  maybe on the day i set the tray down, i realized no matter how hard i worked or how hard i tried, i wasn’t enough.

when i set down the tray, i was placing charlie at God’s feet; to let him rise on his own, to figure out who he is in this world and how to live in it.

being forced into a situation that you never dreamt you would be in and stepping out of the role you had in mind your entire life about who a mother is, is like having the foundation you were firmly standing on break apart and you can’t quite get your footing.

keeping charlie at home with the explosive outbursts that were occurring daily would have been a disservice to my other children, my marriage, but most importantly to charlie.  he needed more help than we could give.  if i buried my head and didn’t get my son the help he needed, the help that would change his life, i wasn’t doing my job as his mother.

the first few weeks charlie was gone were beyond hard.  but, as charlie settles in, i am already blown away that he is playing chess, cooking meals, starting lacrosse , serving at a homeless shelter, and doing his own laundry!  he is working for every privilege he wants.  it is a far cry from video games and incessant 7-11 visits that were going down in my house.

best of all, he is learning who he is and how he is wired.  he is learning to see how his brain feels when he gets stuck and how to take the control back.  he is finding his strengths, his worth and building on them.

although i still sometimes cry when someone asks me how charlie is or how i could send my son away, i am starting to truly realize what a gift it is.  how he needed more than dave and i could give him, so we gave him more.  i am a mother redefining what my small mind thinks i should be and becoming who my all of my kids need me to be.

so with charlie settling at boarding school and the 13-year-old heavy tray on the ground, my arms are wide open.  i am ready to hug, love, and focus on my four kids that have missed part of me for their entire lives.  this will be the first time they will be parented by a mother who isn’t 80% saturated with helping, stressing over, and struggling with charlie.  i am seeing each child anew.  watching them blossom into who they are with a little extra nourishment from dave and me.

this is all a gift.  a heartbreaking, exhausting, life changing, beautiful gift.

i saw this quote recently and my favorite part was the word everything.

“Develop an attitude of gratitude and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step towards achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” ~ Brian Tracy

i am finding my most beautiful, pure, connected to God self, through my struggle.

my prayer today:

dear god, today i see your miracles.  today i feel your love.  keep bringing me exactly what i need to learn the lessons i am here to learn, regardless of how painful they feel.  i know that is when you are teaching me the most.  today i am grateful we can get our son the help he needs and grateful i can focus on the other kids that need me too.  amen.

may our hearts be broken so they may grow bigger and be more open than we ever imagined.

my new definition: motherLeigh- a malleable foundation of love that holds no boundaries of what it is supposed to be.

may we fill our kids full of love and provide a complete toolbox they can carry with them the day they walk out our door.

a work in progress

my mom was in bed most of my life.  not sure why, but i think it was because she is bipolar and was never diagnosed or treated.  she didn’t hold me, brush my hair, make me dinner, or attend my events, etc. growing up.

my father’s parents both died without ever once telling him they loved him.

my dad told me when he had his first child, my sister amy, he vowed that a night wouldn’t go by without saying, “i love you” to her and each of his kids thereafter.  even though at first he felt silly and didn’t quite know what to do, he did it anyway.  it became his new normal.  he made the choice to break the cycle he knew and to connect instead.

having intimate connecting relationships has been a struggle for me most of my life- with girlfriends and boyfriends.  i have always had lots of “friends” and boyfriends, but rarely let anyone in to the core of me.  if the relationship got too real, too close, too near the vulnerable place i had hidden, i would run like the wind or find a reason to end it.  i liked people brushing the surface of my earthsuit, but not getting close to what i had buried in there.  looking back i think that stemmed from growing up feeling alone and like i didn’t matter.  that is how i interpreted my mothers disconnect.

today i am married with 5 kids.

when i met dave, i went into therapy because i knew this was my man and i didn’t want to lose him, but i didn’t know what the heck to do with him.  i couldn’t keep starting fights and pushing him away, then expect him to stay.  at therapist’s office, i worked my ass off.  i had never been to one before.  i started figuring out what caused my pain.  i started dealing with it and healing with it.  because of the work done in that office, i am still married.  i wouldn’t be able to otherwise, i didn’t know how to do it.

i am still working on me.  when my daughter says, “come lay with me.” and i say, “in a minute,” and then go too late and she is asleep, i honestly feel a tiny bit relieved because i can get my mommy night side work done faster and get to sleep myself.

tonight she said, “come lay with me” and i said, “one minute” and she stomped her foot, yelled something and slammed her door.  i thought, ‘i will not reward that behavior and lay with her now,  i’ll facebook instead.’  i opened my computer and started writing a post then i thought, that is probably what i would have done if my mom were listening and i were unable to say, “mom, i really need you right now.  i don’t know how to say it, so i am going to stop off and slam my door and hopefully you’ll figure out i’m hurting.”

i closed my computer and went into her room.  she was lying on the very end of her bed.  when i laid down by her she didn’t budge.  i angled myself just so, so i wouldn’t fall off the bed, and put my arms around her.  i felt a tear drip off her chin onto my arm.  i didn’t say anything except, “it’s okay.  i am here.  i love you.”  as she fell asleep i thought, how great it would have been to hear that from my mom, if even if for one night.

it is amazing to be present, to push past our comfort zone, to reach out when we don’t exactly know how.  it is in that vulnerable space that we become who we are created to be.

be the change you wanted to see in your childhood.  use the pain to propel you into awakening.  use the hurt as a blessing by learn the lessons that you were shown to you, not by repeating them.

today i am grateful for everything about my mother.  i have an awareness of what is important in life because of her.  i have learned how if you do nothing, you get nothing.  and that you must work hard for the things that matter and give of yourself to others,  heart and all, then you can’t help but be truly blessed.

lift the veil of fear that is holding you back from your greatness.  it’s time!

death letter

i went to new york with dave a few weeks ago.  i was so excited to be going away with just him.  like all marriages, we have  many stresses.  one of them is, we have different views on how to handle the kids.  we have 5 kids so there are constantly situations to disagree over.  when you add that on top of money, work, dinner, laundry, homework, practices, lack of sleep, lack of sex, etc, a getaway with just the two of us is just what the doctor ordered-my mind doctor anyway.  every time i go on one of these getaways with dave, i remember how much i love him and how much i enjoy being with him.

i was sharing all of this with a friend before the trip and at the end of my monologue, she said, “you both are going on a plane at the same time?”  i said, “yes.”  she said, “what if the plane crashes and the kids are left with no parents?”  i thought for a moment then said, “then that would be part their story.  their parents died in a plane crash and their surrogate parents loved and raised them. and maybe they could help other people deal with their pain one day.” she looked at me like she was waiting for me to laugh, then she made a worried about me face.  

i don’t live in fear.  i live my life knowing that when i die, it was my time to return to the place where i came from.  i am very aware that we have a limited amount time on this planet.  i have recently noticed that, if i get to live a full life, i am more than ½ way through this journey because my earthsuit has started to shrivel. 

when my friend left that day, i thought about her comment.  i believe that there are no throwaways.  There are no coincidences.  every single interaction in our life, in our day, in our minute is specific to what we are to learn and / or work through while we are on this planet.  when you know this, you won’t believe all the gifts that are given to you everyday.  it’s awesome!  i knew i was supposed to hear that comment in that conversation and the gift of it was lurking around somewhere, but not clear to me.  i closed my eyes and thought about it.  what was the gift? 

i am not afraid to die.  i think it will be glorious when i return home.  i do get sad thinking about the kid’s heartache of me not being with them.  i think about how i would be so bummed if i didn’t get to tell them what life lessons i have learned, encouraged them to find their gifts and share them with others, to love themselves so fully because they are perfectly imperfect just the way they are.  to choose friends and partners that are kind to their heart.  to have fun, dance, act silly, talk to strangers, and be different!  create a dream life for themselves and take a step everyday to making that dream a reality.  ah ha, that is the gift- to write them a letter now, incase i die unexpectedly, that says all of the super important things from my heart to fill theirs for life.  how exciting!  while i am still here, i can work on the things that would sadden me the most if i were gone.  i can give my kids that gift regardless if i live to be 100 or not.  (i hope not, because i don’t want to end up in diapers.  i am thinking 88 sounds good.) 

what to write? 

i want to tell them each what they mean to me.  what i see in them that is special. 

i want to explain who i was and why i acted the way i did at times.  i want them to know i know i wasn’t the best mom, but i worked everyday on myself so i could show up with less baggage and more love. 

i want to tell them a little bit about how i think the world works; how hard work and perseverance pay off.  if you move everyday towards what you want, eventually you will get there. 

how heartache and struggle are gifts because when your heart is broken, it is able to expand bigger and in more directions than you ever imagined.  the more open your heart is, the more understanding and forgiving you are, the more amazing and blessed your life will be.

i want my kids to know that they should never settle.  they should find their joy, what makes them happy, what makes them feel good and move in that direction.  study in school, create the position, and get the job in the area that interests their mind and their heart. 

when you give you get. 

wyg then gyg.  figure out what’s your gift, then give your gift. 

love and give without expecting anything back.  don’t keep tabs.  the past does not exist.  it is only a memory.  don’t not let it hold you back today, use it as a gift to guide you to what you like and what you want to change.

oh this is so exciting! 

in california they give you a list of things you should have incase there is an earthquake: water, non-perishable food, flashlight, portable battery operated radio, first aid kit, and a fire extinguisher.  do i want an earthquake to happen?  no.  could i be prepared just in case?  yes. 

maybe there should be a just incase early death supply list: wills in place, how you want to handle a possible life support situation, death letters written, maybe a note stating what you would want to be buried in (today mine might include a tutu and pearls.) 

death is something we all have in common.  it is just the final chapter of our story on earth.  i tell my kids from time to time that when i die, my spirit is out of this earthsuit and that i am free to move about.  they can think about me and talk to me because i will always be with them.  and when they have done their time here, i will be waiting for them. 

i find that comforting.  i think it melts away the fear and devastation a bit. 

so i am off to write my death letters to tuck away for my sweet sweet children.  hopefully they are reading them as they close the casket over my 88-year-old tutu wearing well-worn earthsuit.      

namaste.  the light in me sees and honors the light in you.  

Keeping on your path while parenting

I am a big fan of, Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist.  I am starting with one of my favorite quotes from him and ending with one I like as well.      

Carl Jung wrote- “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.”

 Often moms lose themselves when we have kids.  Not by a conscious choice, we do it out of love.  We put our lives on hold to focus solely on the life of our child.  Although it seems a noble thing to do, it is a lot of pressure to put on that child and after the 18 year run, the empty nest syndrome can be devastating.    

I have a visual that helps describe how I see parenting.  I picture myself on a wide path walking forward.  Next to me on both sides are paths that look narrower (unless you are actually walking on them and then they appear larger.)  I am moving forward on my path.  Sometimes there are one or two paths beside me, sometimes I can barely see any path near me, and right now there are 6 separate paths merging with mine.  They are the paths of my husband and children.    

I am clear that my main purpose on this planet is to live and learn the lessons that are being presented to me.  These lessons are the evolution of my soul/spirit.  Our souls are housed in our earth suits for a short time, but I believe they will live on forever.    

Although I am here for my journey, part of my journey now is sharing, learning, teaching, and loving these six other people while they are moving forward on their own paths.  I have not lost myself or forgotten my purpose here, our paths are simply intertwined.    

I have been blessed with a child that has what my mom has but was never diagnosed- Bipolar.  He was diagnosed, has a great team of doctors helping us figure it out and will have a healthy and abundant life.  Through this journey with my son, I was able to see clearly the sadness of my childhood- being raised by an absent mother that wasn’t physically absent.  My son is a gift for me in loving, learning and healing.    

I have been blessed with a daughter that is a lady and has a pure heart.  I am a bit rough around the edges and was a tomboy.  She is teaching me to be soft and quiet.  I am teaching her to be a warrior.    

I have been blessed with a son who has a tender heart and really thrives with calmness and attention.  So when I want to yell or disconnect, like I was taught, my son draws me in and shows me what a richer choice it is to connect.  

I have been blessed with a daughter who is like me.  She is strong, fearless, and thinks she has to do it all by herself.  I get to encourage her fierceness, while not leaving her to do it alone.    

I have been blessed with a daughter that is a miracle.  She was supposed to be severely retarded.  The doctor’s encouraged termination.  She taught me incredible lessons before she was even born: to accept other people’s decisions, even if they differ from mine, to always rely on God, and know no matter what happens, it will turn out okay or usually better than okay.    

Finally, I am walking next to a man that is a gift.  The man that without, none of this would be.  I am flawed.  He is flawed.  But instead of seeing the flaws, we try and see the beauty.  The things that trigger me, regarding him, are things I need to work on.  And work on in a safe place where I can do it wrong and he isn’t going anywhere.  We get beat up a bit in the trying, but stronger with each battle we face, figure out, see and then release.  I have been blessed with a man of integrity, a man of his word, a loyal man, a many with a kind heart.  I really don’t think I can ask for more.  Although our bank account is tight at the moment, I have never felt richer.    

With these realizations, it is clear to me that I must move forward seeking out the lessons I am here to learn.  I must move forward in honing in on my passions, following them, striving for them, and giving them attention- because whatever we give attention to grows.    

I must show my children how to fulfill the life of their dreams.  I must show them how important it is to take care of your self, to love yourself, to feed your heart and soul.  When you are so full of love, compassion, and kindness for yourself, it will bubble over and bubble bomb the people around you.    

Fill your cup let it over flow.  Fill your cup let it over flow.  Fill your cup let it over flow.  Let it over flow with love. (Sung in a camp fire kind of way)      

Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.  -Carl Jung  

the upside of struggle

i have a good friend who just got some devastating news.  although she knew there were signs of what might come, she felt cold cocked when it did.

my heart breaks for her because her heart breaks.  at the same time, my heart is filled with joy because the foundation of the life she settled into has been rocked.

this gal is one of the most creative, smartest and funniest women that i know.  yet she is sitting in a cubicle at a job she dislikes having a ‘comfortable’ life.  for some people that my be a great life,  but because i know the gifts this woman has to offer, it is not.

i get a piece of her everyday.  i confide in her.  i trust her.  i value her opinion.   she is honest.  she listens when i go on and on and on and on like my mom (who i often have to mute), not many people can.  she has been my friend through thick and thin.  i love her.

i think when god gives you greatness, you must be great.  i think we have all been blessed with something that is unique.  we all have a gift.  we must figure out what it is, then share it.  when we deny our greatest self, when we step out of line with what we are here to do, we are not living the life we were created to live.

the times in my life where my foundation has been cracked, my bones crushed, my heart ripped open, is when i have become my greatest self:  more compassionate, more forgiving, stronger, clearer and more open to god.  from the struggle, we learn the beauty.  heartache shifts us.  it makes our life richer and our souls stronger.

when we get “comfortable” and “settle” in to status quo, the beautiful gift that life can give us is being knocked out of our chair and thrown to the floor.

the event or the person who is doing the knocking is the one who catapults us to our greater self.  although it may feel like they are the ones that are supposed to take care and love us, they actually are, by moving us forward whether we feel ready or not.

i am sad today because she is sad.  i look forward to paying her back for the years of listening to me by lending her a silent ear (working on the silent part).  i look forward to holding her hand as she begins to peel off the layers that have been built around her.  hard work lies ahead, but it is the best kind of work- to find out who we really are / why we are really here.  to peel away the stuff that is holding us back, look at it, understand it, forgive it, and let it go.

when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
-helen keller

no matter what lies ahead for my friend, i will be holding her hand as she walks through the door that has just been opened. 

thank you god for struggles.  thank you for allowing things to happen in our lives that feel awful, but propel us to where we are supposed to be.

stages of sober

in my 3rd month of giving up the juice, i am finding that, like most things in life, especially things that involve change or that i have had to make a big decision about, there are stages.  

like losing my uterus:  stages- 1. devastation, 2. embarrassment / failure, 3. kept it to myself 4. began talking / healing,  5. moving forward

6. sharing,  7. helping others.

death: 1. shock / denial 2. pain and guilt 3. anger 4. depression 5. upward turn 6. working through 7. acceptance and hope

medicating my child : 1. devastating 2. feeling like a failure 3. denial 4. anger 5. information gathering 6. acceptance 7. peace

possible stages for giving up the drink: 1. paralyzed by fear 2. wondering who i am / worried about friends 3. realizing how heavy it is.  4. noticing when i want to reach for a drink 5. redefining fun 6. getting used to it. 7- clarity on alcohol in my life.

i have come to find out that there are 2 kinds of people.  the drinkers- people who wrestle with it a bit and the non drinkers- people who don’t drink or don’t notice if they did or didn’t drink.  when i told the non-drinkers that i was going to quit drinking for a year they said something like, “okay.  did you hear about the score of the game?”  the drinkers would say, “what?  what in the hell are you talking about?  are you serious?  why would you want to do that?”  some of the drinkers feel weird about me not drinking.  like i am judging them or am now on the ‘other side’.  that could be further from the truth.  i am just looking at me.  who i am.  why i drink.  that is all i have time to do.  

one thing i know for sure, i am not my greatest self when i am drinking.  besides my voice getting louder and going up an octave, i get a bit more “ballsy” than i normally am (which is already a lot).  i also say things i regret, wake up feeling like s#*t, and fight with my husband unnecessarily- mind you, sometimes it is necessary.

things that suck about not drinking:

*i thought i would be popping right out of bed in the morning with an extra skip in my step, but i’m not.  i want to stay in bed just as bad as when i was hung over.  

*everyone said, “you are going to lose weight not drinking all of those calories”  that has not happened so much.  i gained 6 pounds the first few weeks because i thought i could eat more because i wasn’t drinking.  now i am back to normal and breaking even.

*i think i exercise better hung over.  maybe because there is still alcohol in my body and i am sweating it out.  my limbs feel heavier sober.  i am way more aware of my body.  i hear my breathing.  i guess i am more present.  i am more present in all of my life which isn’t always fun.  the stage i am at now, being sober feels a bit boring.   

*i don’t want to go out to dinner.  why go to cpk with all of the kids and have to discipline, bounce the baby, and break up the kids touching each other, if i can’t have my two glasses of wine?  why bother?  girls night out?  i can just talk over coffee or on the phone.  the excitement is out of most activities that used to be activities to drink.

tonight i made meatballs with fun moms from school.  last year i drank a bunch of red wine and had a blast.  we all wrote down something naughty about ourselves and people read them out loud and you had to guess who wrote it.  it was so fun.  this year i rolled big fat meatballs that weren’t quite what they were looking for.  no matter how much meat i scooped up, it was a mushy oversized mess.  i thought i would be home by 10pm, but i actually got home at 10:30pm.  back in the day i would stay until the party was over or the wine ran out.  the good thing is, i am kind of crazy fun normal.  so it’s not like i shrivel up into a corner.  i still flit about and kick it.  i had a great time tonight with the gals.  really a lovely group of women.  i had a great time and was sober!  huh?  jan. 1st i might not have believed it possible.  

times i want to drink: to relax around dinner time, when i want to lose myself, when i am stressed out, when i have a social event and am anxious, when i am mad, when my kid has a freak out, when i want to celebrate, the list goes on and on.  now each time i think, “oh a drink would really help right now”, i wait a minute, then i try and go to the next step- why would it help?  exploring what i am feeling or what it is that is making me want to reach for one.  i am starting to notice what is going on in me rather than pouring booze over it.  is it fun?  no.  is it heavy? yes. i need a drink just to think about why i am not drinking.  it is very interesting.  i am learning new stuff about me.  i was so insecure thinking about not drinking at the end of last year, so nervous, but i am doing it and still having a happy life.  

some days seem like great days to drink and seemingly fewer days seem like great days to not drink.  i had one of those great days to not drink on monday.  i shot a huggies commercial with my husband and eve in the morning.  in the afternoon i shot another one of my ‘no mundane moments’.  that night i had some really quality time with my kids.  i just sat and listened to their sweet voices.  just before the twins went to bed i was sitting between them on the couch.  usually i would have one arm around a twin and the other holding a glass of wine.  i noticed the twins were both snuggled up under me with my arms around both of them.  i had such a full productive loving day.  the best day.  

i don’t think about drinking every day like i did at the beginning, but i do still miss it.  there are times i think this would be a great time to drink.  my birthday is coming up in a week.  i usually have dinner at dan tana’s with a group of friends and family.  i get a grey goose martini up with olives to start, then red wine with my veal parmigian.  i wonder if i will eat out?  part of me is like, “why bother”?  a few days after my birthday is st. paddy’s day.  beer beer beer.  can you ever have enough beer?

i am seeing an awesome mindfulness coach.  she told me eventually i will find different ways to “have fun” without being destructive.  i look forward to that.  not sure where that fun would come from?  painting, exercising, writing, meditating???  can those be considered “fun”?

what do non drinkers do for fun?  that might be my next stage.  finding out what fun means without alcohol.

right now i find my self saying to people, “next year i will be toasting with you.”  

i wonder what next year will bring?  i wonder what stage i will be at?  will i not even care to drink again because life is that good?  will i have worked through all of the issues that made me want to have ‘just one more drink’ and be able to drink like a normal person?  or will i give it a shot and have the same regretful mornings?  

this will be exciting for me to find out!  no matter what happens, right now i am feeling good and learning a lot.  

with my birthday and st. paddy’s day soon approaching, i raise my glass of hot tea to you and say, “cheers, my friend.  cheers!”.

yogi man

my new thing is to be totally open and ready for every encounter.  i think little messages and gifts are given to us everyday and when we are open to them we can recieve, if we are closed off, we miss them.  so the other day when i was walking fryman canyon (a beautiful 3 mile walk in the los angeles hills) wearing my baby a woman, i have only met a few times, stopped me and said, “i didn’t know you walked fryman.  are you interested in doing it with me on wednesdays?”  i said, “sure!”  later i was wondering why she was coming into my life right now.  a few walks later i realized it is because we are on the same path of understanding why we are here and what our life mission is.  when we walk, it is a great time for us to share and support each other.

last week after our wednesday walk, i had an appointment.  i arrived a little early to the appointment, so i got out my starbucks coffee and fruit and began eating.  just about that time i noticed a man walking down the street towards my car.  as he got closer i saw him looking at me.  i smiled and he was touching his third eye (yogi speak) and pointing at me, touching his third eye and pointing at me.  i thought, ‘wow, this is going to be interesting”- almost expecting him.  he came up to the passenger side window and started speaking.  i couldn’t hear him, so i unlocked the door and threw it open.  he started talking.  i glanced down and saw my purse, money, cell phone all just laying there, but i knew i needed to listen, so i focused back on his face.  he said, “you are so open.  you have and open heart and mind, but you need to focus.  stop telling everyone what you are going to do.  stop telling what you want to do.  you are so open and you are patient, but when you get mad it is too much.  you are too angry.  you must meditate.  he pulled out a little red bead and said hold this and meditate.  he handed it to me.  you must get quiet.  be still.  the project you are working on now is exactly what you should be doing.  stay focused on the project.  you are good enough.  don’t listen to the ones that tell you different.  you are ready and you are good enough.  april will be the month that the money comes.  you will have a very good year.  you are ready, but you must focus and you must meditate.  when others come against you, don’t listen.  move forward.  you are open.  meditate and stay focused.  you are blessed.  you will be blessed.  april you will see the money.”  i said, “thank you.  i heard you and i accept all of it.”  i grabbed the 3 dollars i saw laying there and held them up to him.  he said, “are you giving me this becuase you feel you must or are you giving it to me with love so that i may eat something or spend it in good health?  i said, “love.”  he took it and i threw the bead into the outside bottom zipper of my purse.     the yogi said, “no!  get it out of there and keep the bead in your wallet.  hold it every time you meditate.”

as he spoke the whole time i ate my fruit bowl and shook my head yes like i was watching a movie that was right on target.  nothing strange about it.

when i got out of the car,  i went into my meeting.  i told the gal what happened and she said, “do you meditatie?  do you know how?”  i said, “yes, kind of.”  she said, “i teach a meditation class on mondays.  it’s free.  you should come.”  i said, “of course you do and i will.”

nothing is a coincidence.  make a little room to be open to what is coming to you everyday.  when you pay attention, it’s pretty amazing.

365 Days sober

i recently said to my husband david, “i am so proud of who i am evolving into, i have worked so hard on myself to be the best i can be, i really like who i am becoming.  but, i have this dark secret.  i drink too much.”

dave leaned over and gently touched my knee and said, “it’s no secret honey, everyone is well aware how much you drink.”

we have all had nights where we poke eva mendez in the back to say hi to your husband because they used to be scene partners in an acting class after he said no thank you for me to reintroduce them, spill a whole bowl of red shrimp cocktail sauce on a funny comedic actress’s new white vintage purse, and end up crying in a booth with a gal from high school explaining why we were a mean girl, right?  or- drank 3 cosmos on an empty stomach before hosting your kids preschool live auction, once onstage with mic in hand and spot light glaring and the bidding in full gear with no cards popping up you shout, “are you f#*!@ing kidding me?  this is for the children!”, then drop into push ups wearing your blue sequence dress, right?   we’ve all been there, right!?

after 27 years of drinking, i have decided to take one year off.  i have decided to experience everything sober one time- for 365 days; every birthday, school celebration, girls night out, , trip to vegas, ski vacation lounging in sexy fire burning lodge, halloween, and even celebrating jesus’s- christmas eve.  the moment i decided this, at the end of 2011, i started crying.  i felt like had nothing to live for.  i know you may be thinking, ‘you have a loving husband and five beautiful kids’, but when you mark your calendar with celebration to celebration or one drinking event to the next and you quit, all of that is wiped away.  gone.  the markers of your life have evaporated.  for a moment that was my truth, i felt paralyzed.  who am i without alcohol?  what will my “fun” be?  will i still go out?  will i still have parties?  will my drinking friends abandon me?  what will my life look like?  a life that has spent a good portion of it’s time drinking?

alcoholism is a broad term for problems with alcohol.  i think there are 2 categories of alcoholics with different degrees of alcoholism in each category.  1. is a person with the alcoholic gene, like my mother.  2. is a person who drinks too much because they are filling a void in their life, like my father.  i am praying i am #2.  the thought of not drinking a glass of champagne again makes me sad and anxious.  my hope is that at the end of my 365 days, i will have faced all of the feelings that i used to drink through, which will allow me to have a new relationship with alcohol.  my hope is that i will be able to have one glass of wine, champagne, or beer in a social situation when i am feeling nervous, not 17.

at the end of last year after a hard night of drinking, i woke up and said to my husband, “i am done.  i am sick of feeling bad when i wake up.”

i found that one of the few times i beat myself up is after a night of drinking.  i am a wild ass sober.  drunk i am an obnoxious wild ass, but still funny in both, i would like to believe!

i have 5 kids, i exercise 5 times a week, i lead a happy life.  i don’t get drunk every time i drink.  i can stop for  awhile, i can have one glass of wine with dinner, most of the drinking times, i don’t “cross over”.  most people would say, “you don’t have a problem, we all have vices.”  i have actually said that to myself for quite sometime.  when people would ask me, “how do you do it with 5 kids?”  i would say happily, “exercise and alcohol.”

i am amazed at how life works.  i made this declaration of not drinking to myself, then out of the blue a few days later, two of the best girl drinking trips were offered to me.  one is a top of the line vegas trip.  wine and cheese in our suite, the best champagne at the best restaurant, and table service at the hottest night clubs.  then, may neighbor’s daughter, asked me if i wanted to go with her and her friends to their girls get away in aspen.  we would fly on her private jet, stay in her home at the bottom of the mountain, and her private chef would prepare our meals.  the aspen hostess lives in wine country and has the best bottles of wine i have ever tasted.  and get this, both trips are FREE!  that is where i really kick it.  no worries on how much i am spending on drinks, no worries getting up and taking care of kids in the morning, no worries about indulging!!!!!!  the timing- 27 years of drinking and out of the blue, when i stop, the two best drinking offers come.

today is january 14th.  this is my 13th day sober (on the jan. 1 i had a bloody mary because we were in an rv on our way home from new years eve in mammoth, so i decided it would start my 365 days on monday the 2nd) and my daughter eve’s 1st birthday party.  for every one of our other 4 kids we have had a baby’s first kegger party.  we would invite all of our friends and have a good old fashion hootenanny, while making sure to get the family picture and baby’s picture with cake on her face.  this year i will not be drinking.  i did put out all of the alcohol that we have left in our house to get rid of it- some vodka, beer and wine.  i will see the cake in the baby’s face without wearing my champagne  goggles.  i will watch super hot tom brady throw the ball without a beer in my hand.  and i will most likely go to sleep at a decent hour.  not sure how i feel about any of it, but i will let you know.

cheers to a new year and cheers to a new self challenge!  (i say toasting with a la croix bubbly berry water).

my smiling heart

my oldest son, charlie, is 12 years old. his life has been an amazing journey so far in those 12 years.

dave and i knew from the moment charlie was born that something was up. we weren’t sure what, but knew something seemed different about him. when charlie was 2 months old he was on dave’s chest snuggling in. dave was pointing to him saying “look, he is letting me hold him. really hold him. he is totally relaxed on my chest.” it was significant because charlie didn’t like to be held, especially for a long period of time- it seemed to make him uncomfortable. dave was so enjoying the moment that i took a picture. when i put my hand under his shirt and rubbed his back, i felt how hot he was. his tempature was 104 degrees. we took him to the hospital where the doctors said that he had meningitis, but he didn’t.

when charlie was 1 year old we took him out to eat. he sat in his seat for a moment, but after i moved the sugar packs away from him, he lost it; screaming, crying, inconsolable. we took our food to go. dave said, “well, i guess you can’t take a one year old out to eat.” two nights later we went out just dave and i and it seemed everyone in the restuarnt had a 1 year old sitting quietly smiling ear to ear.

when charlie was 2 he was on the floor crying so hard and banging his head on the ground, i thought he was having an aneurism. after about two hours, i called the doctors office and they told me to go in the back door- to their contamination room for privacy. his body was stiff and he was screaming as i rushed through the back door. as soon as i walked in he sat up calmly on my hip and said, “fishy” (they have an amazing fish tank there.) when the doctor entered to check on him she laughed like ‘look at this first time mom’ and said, “that is called a temper tantrum.” i knew it was more.

when charlie got into preschool he wasn’t so great with impulse control. he would grab a toy from his best friend, push or hit him and occasionally bite. the teachers all said this was normal behavior for a preschool child, but somehow i knew it was more. i noticed that his best friend’s mom started avoiding me at preschool. she wouldn’t return my calls. charlie asked everyday to play with this boy. when i could get his mom on the phone, she would make up some excuse why they couldn’t get together. i didn’t understand what was going on, but i was angry and heartbroken for my son.

when charlie got into a great elementary school i was tickled pink. i had always thought i would make most of my mom friends from my kid’s school. that didn’t happen. charlie didn’t really click with anyone. he was fine playing on his own, but did’t want to play sports. he was a bit uncoordinated and embarrassed that he wasn’t as good as the others. he would play make up games by himself, eventually a little boy who liked to act out star wars, would play star wars with him at recess. i was hoping to go to baseball games, soccer games, any games with the other moms and kids. when they had olympic day at school, charlie shot a couple of baskets that didn’t get close to the net, sat down, and said, “please take me home. i hate this”.

“why can’t you just be normal and shoot a fucking basketball? come on! get up! what the hell are you doing? please be normal for once! what is wrong with you?” that is what was going on in my head as other moms watched. instead i sat next to him silent. i just sat. i waited with him in silence. i was going to put my hand on his knee, but i knew he would hit if off. after a while he asked if we could get some water. we did. he was able to go back to class and finish the day. i was worried for him and proud at the same time that he got himself together because i could feel the heaviness on his mind and heart.

as things got heavier and emotions got bigger at home, i went for help from professionals.

after reading every book about what it could be; depression, add, adhd, ocd, oppositional defiance disorder, etc. the one thing that was checked on every check list was bipolar. the more i read about it the more it was clear to me this is what was going on in my little boys brain. and as a matter of fact, what had been going on my whole life with my untreated mentally ill mother. she is bipolar too! what a revelation. it is hard to make a game plan for anything without knowing what game you are playing. i finally had the pieces of the puzzle put together.

doctors don’t like to diagnose children with bipolar because the accepted diagnosis age is 20 or 40 years old.

i had to push for about a year to get the doctors on board. the minute charlie took the pill for bipolar to level out the potholes in his brain, his world changed. our world changed. for the first time in our life we could hold our little boy. i could rub his back when he laid down at night. i don’t ever remember tears that big falling out of my eyeballs before.

charlie asked me that night why i was crying and i said, “because i love you so much”.

i don’t know if there is anything worse, besides death, than watching your child struggle. you feel it almost more than you feel your own pain.

i got a phone call from my son this morning while at school. my heart raced when i saw it was from school. he told me he was chosen out of his whole class to recite one of president kennedy’s speeches at next weeks assembly! everyone had to get up and recite what they had memorized and the teachers would choose the winner. my son won!

this was the morning after he told me he was signing up to play basketball and the girl he thinks is pretty was smiling at him during math class.

i booked a sitter for next thursday night. i am going to get charlie a skinny black tie and gel his hair to look like the handsome jfk. i also gave charlie a great nonchalant tip to connect with the pretty girl. although he told me to stop talking about her and wouldn’t tell me her name, i know he is going to use my tip.

wow. that little boy that was heavy on my heart for 12 years is growing up.

he is wise, he is handsome, he is funny, but most importantly he is kind. i couldn’t be more proud and grateful.

i love who he has become.