i went to new york with dave a few weeks ago. i was so excited to be going away with just him. like all marriages, we have many stresses. one of them is, we have different views on how to handle the kids. we have 5 kids so there are constantly situations to disagree over. when you add that on top of money, work, dinner, laundry, homework, practices, lack of sleep, lack of sex, etc, a getaway with just the two of us is just what the doctor ordered-my mind doctor anyway. every time i go on one of these getaways with dave, i remember how much i love him and how much i enjoy being with him.
i was sharing all of this with a friend before the trip and at the end of my monologue, she said, “you both are going on a plane at the same time?” i said, “yes.” she said, “what if the plane crashes and the kids are left with no parents?” i thought for a moment then said, “then that would be part their story. their parents died in a plane crash and their surrogate parents loved and raised them. and maybe they could help other people deal with their pain one day.” she looked at me like she was waiting for me to laugh, then she made a worried about me face.
i don’t live in fear. i live my life knowing that when i die, it was my time to return to the place where i came from. i am very aware that we have a limited amount time on this planet. i have recently noticed that, if i get to live a full life, i am more than ½ way through this journey because my earthsuit has started to shrivel.
when my friend left that day, i thought about her comment. i believe that there are no throwaways. There are no coincidences. every single interaction in our life, in our day, in our minute is specific to what we are to learn and / or work through while we are on this planet. when you know this, you won’t believe all the gifts that are given to you everyday. it’s awesome! i knew i was supposed to hear that comment in that conversation and the gift of it was lurking around somewhere, but not clear to me. i closed my eyes and thought about it. what was the gift?
i am not afraid to die. i think it will be glorious when i return home. i do get sad thinking about the kid’s heartache of me not being with them. i think about how i would be so bummed if i didn’t get to tell them what life lessons i have learned, encouraged them to find their gifts and share them with others, to love themselves so fully because they are perfectly imperfect just the way they are. to choose friends and partners that are kind to their heart. to have fun, dance, act silly, talk to strangers, and be different! create a dream life for themselves and take a step everyday to making that dream a reality. ah ha, that is the gift- to write them a letter now, incase i die unexpectedly, that says all of the super important things from my heart to fill theirs for life. how exciting! while i am still here, i can work on the things that would sadden me the most if i were gone. i can give my kids that gift regardless if i live to be 100 or not. (i hope not, because i don’t want to end up in diapers. i am thinking 88 sounds good.)
what to write?
i want to tell them each what they mean to me. what i see in them that is special.
i want to explain who i was and why i acted the way i did at times. i want them to know i know i wasn’t the best mom, but i worked everyday on myself so i could show up with less baggage and more love.
i want to tell them a little bit about how i think the world works; how hard work and perseverance pay off. if you move everyday towards what you want, eventually you will get there.
how heartache and struggle are gifts because when your heart is broken, it is able to expand bigger and in more directions than you ever imagined. the more open your heart is, the more understanding and forgiving you are, the more amazing and blessed your life will be.
i want my kids to know that they should never settle. they should find their joy, what makes them happy, what makes them feel good and move in that direction. study in school, create the position, and get the job in the area that interests their mind and their heart.
when you give you get.
wyg then gyg. figure out what’s your gift, then give your gift.
love and give without expecting anything back. don’t keep tabs. the past does not exist. it is only a memory. don’t not let it hold you back today, use it as a gift to guide you to what you like and what you want to change.
oh this is so exciting!
in california they give you a list of things you should have incase there is an earthquake: water, non-perishable food, flashlight, portable battery operated radio, first aid kit, and a fire extinguisher. do i want an earthquake to happen? no. could i be prepared just in case? yes.
maybe there should be a just incase early death supply list: wills in place, how you want to handle a possible life support situation, death letters written, maybe a note stating what you would want to be buried in (today mine might include a tutu and pearls.)
death is something we all have in common. it is just the final chapter of our story on earth. i tell my kids from time to time that when i die, my spirit is out of this earthsuit and that i am free to move about. they can think about me and talk to me because i will always be with them. and when they have done their time here, i will be waiting for them.
i find that comforting. i think it melts away the fear and devastation a bit.
so i am off to write my death letters to tuck away for my sweet sweet children. hopefully they are reading them as they close the casket over my 88-year-old tutu wearing well-worn earthsuit.
namaste. the light in me sees and honors the light in you.
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